Letters From A Lost Daughter
by Morwen Tindomerel
Summary: River writes to her parents.
1. The First Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

This is to let you know that we are safe and Simon is taking good care of me.

Simon is a dope. If I wanted you to save me, I'd have written to you not to him. If you'd come They'd have killed you. They weren't expecting Simon, They weren't watching for him. He had to be the one to come - you understand?

It wasn't that I didn't want you. I knew you'd come if I called, but you would have died and I'd never, ever see you again - you see? As long as we're all alive there's a chance I will see you again - so you must stay alive please.

Be careful. Be very, very, very careful! Pretend to believe Them. Play dumb. They won't touch you unless They have to - don't make Them. Don't try to find us - They'll be watching. Don't do ANYTHING please!

Be careful, be careful. I want to see my Mother and Daddy again. Oh I do, I do...

Simon feels guilty. He shouldn't. Neither should you. He didn't want me to go. You didn't want me to go. I wanted to go. This is all my fault - all my fault. If anything happens to you or to him it will be MY FAULT! So, please, please, please don't let anything happen.

Don't worry about us. We are safe. We've found a good place to live. Well Simon doesn't think it's so good - the dope - but it is. There's a girl here, her name is Kaylee. She wants to be my friend. You always wanted me to have friends remember? She gave me clothes to wear. They're mostly pink. Kaylee really really likes pink. I don't much but I don't say so. I'm remembering to be polite.

Must not make personal comments. It's all right to lie if the truth will hurt somebody's feelings. Never say you don't like something or worse somebody. You see - I remember it all. I am being very diplomatic. But let me tell you Simon isn't the only dope here!

I will write again when I can. They're looking for me, looking for me...I can feel them looking. But they won't find me. THEY WON'T!

I am a genius. I am smarter then They are. I will outthink Them. Simon will help me. And then we will come home.

Wait for us.

Love, River.


	2. The Second Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

She doesn't know when she'll be able to send this.

She was River Aubergine Tam; Identity # 66437535; residence: Tamworth, 7 Circle Road, Isis, Department E, Osiris. Who is she now? Do you know? Can you tell her??

-------

I should have told you before. I'm crazy. They did things, things I don't want to remember or talk about. Simon is trying to fix me. I wrote the above yesterday. That was a bad day. Today is a good day. We made some money on a job. We had ice cream for dinner.

We are on a boat. An old boat. A Firefly. We do jobs. Sometimes honest, sometimes not. Hard to tell the difference - I wonder if there is a difference out here? Simon is the medical officer. He patches up the Captain and Jayne when they get shot. They get shot a lot. Zoe not so much. She's smarter. Women are she says.

I never get shot. Neither does Simon. We don't go on jobs so you don't have to worry.

The Captain and Zoe were Independents during the war. I used to think they were the bad guys. Now I think we were. Do you?

-------

I am River today. I am River most days. But sometimes I am 'Her' the girl with no name. She has no name because She doesn't exist. She's not real you see. They made Her and tried to make me be Her. At least I think that's what happened. I don't like being Her. She doesn't have a Mother and Daddy. River does - don't I?

Are you real? Is home real?? Or have I always been on this boat with Simon. And Kaylee who sounds like sunshine. And Captain who is all brown and streaky red. And Zoe who feels like him only different. And Jayne who is a bad man - he told me so himself. And laughy Wash who is always happy like Kaylee. And beautiful Inara who smells of sandalwood and sadness. And Shepard Book with the frightening hair... ??????

-------

I've decided. You are real. This boat is real. It's the Academy that doesn't exist. It was a bad dream but now I'm awake and soon Daddy will come and get us and take us home. Can Kaylee come too? You'd like her. Everybody likes her. Simon likes her but won't tell her so - the boob!

-------

I forgot. Daddy can't come and get us because he doesn't know where we are. But don't worry, we know where you are and Captain will be happy to take us home for a fair price.

But first we have to do this other job. There's always a job... Maybe this time nobody'll get shot. Maybe this time we'll get paid without having to shoot anybody. It does happen - Just not often.

-----

Simon gave me a new med today. A therapeutic cocktail. I threw up my breakfast all over his bed. Then I felt sick for a long time. Now I feel hungry but I'm afraid to eat. We don't get fresh food often. Mostly it's protein paste which is pretty vomitous even when my stomach's settled. Is vomitous a word? If not it should be. It describes protein paste perfectly. Simon says next time I should throw up all over MY bed. I say it's his fault I'm sick so he should pay the price. Hmmph!

Did I tell you have my own room? It's very small but I like that, it makes me feel safe.

--------

Today Simon sold my cryo-box - that's what he put me in when he rescued me. Badger bought it. Captain says it's best we don't ask why. He says there's a lot of things out here a pretty little thing like me shouldn't ask about. I say if I don't ask how will I learn? He says I shouldn't be learning such things.

Did you know they use coin money out here? Badger paid us in platinum, real platinum in little disks, FOUR THOUSAND of them!!!! He gave them to us in a suitcase and was it heavy!

We need the money for my meds, (yuck!) but Simon gave me fifty platinum for myself. Kaylee and Inara took me shopping and I got a dress, a pair of pants and two shirts. Also underwear. And I got some book disks. But all that took only nine coins so I still have forty-one left. They're so pretty and sparkly, I took some wire from the engineering locker and made myself a necklace and a headband and four bracelets - for wrists and ankles - and wore them to dinner. Jayne laughed at me but the others thought I looked pretty - so there!

-----

Jayne Cobb is rude and crude and barbaric. You know what he did? He spat on the floor. ON THE FLOOR! In front of all of us - and at mealtime too. And he wouldn't apologize OR clean it up. So - I rubbed soup in his hair. He deserved it! Then Simon started scolding so I emptied what was left on him. Wash was rolling around laughing so I put the bowl over his head. He just laughed harder.

Captain didn't laugh. He sounded just like Daddy - only he shouted louder and used some words Daddy wouldn't - and like Daddy he ended his tirade by sending me to my room. So here I sit, writing this and laughing my head off whenever I think of their faces.

I think maybe I'm getting better.

------

I don't know if I should send this. There's a lot of craziness in it and I know you'll worry. But I worry about you too so I guess that's fair enough.

I wish you could answer me but I can't tell you how - it wouldn't be safe.

I think of you all the time.

Love, River.


	3. The Third Letter

Yesterday was Simon's birthday. I didn't remember. I didn't get him anything - but I will next planetfall.

Kaylee made a cake, well a sort-of cake, out of protein paste. She said the frosting should taste like chocolate. I don't know if it did, we didn't get a chance to find out. The engine blew. The catalyzer unit on the port compression coil imploded starting a chain reaction and there was this huge fireball.

Don't get excited. Don't get upset. Everything's fine now.

But then Zoe was hurt, and we couldn't take her down to the infirmary because the lower levels were on fire until Captain opened the lock and sucked the conflagration out into vacuum - and most of our atmosphere with it. Which wouldn't have mattered if the engine hadn't have been dead because of the explosion, which also knocked out auxiliary. life support.

The others were afraid of suffocating - which was silly because we'd freeze to death first and everybody knows hypothermia is an easy way to go. You start feeling all warm and cozy and then you just go to sleep.

Wouldn't it be wonderful sleep forever? No more dreams, no more nightmares ...but maybe it wouldn't be like that. Maybe there would be dreams - dreams you could never wake up from - or a whole new life with new rules and new problems... Shakespeare was right; better the troubles you know then those you know not of.

Don't be frightened. Simon's all right. I'm all right. Everybody's all right now. I knew we would be. Serenity loves us, she'd never let anything happen to us. But she needed help to save us so the Captain set about getting it.

His plan was for us to split up. We have two shuttles; four were to go in one; four in the other. Captain, would stay with Serenity of course. Whoever got help first would call the others back.

It was a good plan. But like most it didn't go quite smooth. It was pirates who answered Serenity's beacon. Captain got the part we needed and drove them off but he got shot - as usual. He tried to call but didn't quite make it..

We went back on our own. Zoe made us. She was really angry we'd left Captain behind. I tried to explain the plan to her but she wouldn't listen. Wash is her husband. He did what she said. Simon and Wash followed the trail of blood to the bridge while I got Zoe to the infirmary. Inara's shuttle came back with the others while Simon was working on Captain. Then he woke up and everything was fine again. But nobody wanted any cake.

--------

Been rereading what I wrote the other day. I don't want you to worry. Nothing like that's ever happened before and Kaylee will see to it that it never happens again. Did I mention Kaylee is our mechanic? She's really brilliant - as good at what she does as Simon is at being a doctor.

She really, really likes Simon. I think she's in love with him. She's not our kind but she's so sweet and happy. I think she'd be good for him, he's always so solemn and worried. Mostly about me, I know, but you remember he's always been terribly, terribly serious. Simon is sweet on her, I know he is, but he's too dumb to do anything about it.

Honestly, Mother, was Daddy this bad - always a foot in his mouth whenever he opened it to you? Simon is HOPELESS! But I have a plan...

-----

Greenleaf was no good for shopping. We landed in the back country to pick up our cargo. We're smuggling drugs. Nothing bad, not brainhype or anything like that, regular medical type drugs. Simon bought some for me but what I want for him wasn't to be found. Captain says there'll be shopping on Harvest.

-----

This morning we landed on Harvest and I set about my plan. I told Simon he couldn't come with me because I was buying his birthday present. Luckily Kaylee had to go with Captain to buy parts because I didn't want her along either. Zoe and Wash came with me. They didn't think my present was appropriate but that was because they didn't know my plan. When they argued I pretended to get all worked up and upset, that shut them up. Sometimes being crazy comes in handy.

I wrapped my present in a piece of reflective foil and went down to the infirmary to give it to Simon. The look on his face when he opened it was priceless!

"Thank you, Mei-mei. It's beautiful." he stammers.

"It smells so pretty." I say, playing dumb. My present was a bottle of flower essences.

"I'm sure it does. But men don't wear perfume, Mei-mei."

"Yes they do." I say, being very cunning. "I've smelled you and Daddy both. You put it on after you shave."

"Yes, but that's a different kind of perfume." he explains painfully. "This is ladies' perfume." he tries to hand it back to me.

I put my hands behind my back. "No. You can't give me back my present." then, being very, very clever. "Give it to somebody else. Give it to Kaylee, she'll like it."

"I'm sure she will." says my boob of a brother all relieved.

Since my Mother and Daddy are not boobs I'm sure you see what I was up to. Of course Simon didn't. He gave the perfume to Kaylee and she was very happy. She kissed him and he turned bright red but he liked it! And THAT was his real present.

-----

Your son, my brother, IS TOO STUPID TO LIVE!!!! Oh I am so angry with him I could spit, I could bite, I could tear him to pieces with my bare hands!!! The brain damaged dolt! And he calls ME crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!

No doubt you are wondering why am I angry when my plan to get him and Kaylee together worked so well? Because Simon WENT AND RUINED EVERYTHING that's why!

Simon asked Kaylee out to dinner. She got all gussied up in her best pink floral print dress and went off on his arm smiling and smelling of flower essences. Little more then an hour later she's back alone, and runs sobbing to lock herself in her room.

Those of us left at home; me, Captain and Shepard Book were very worried. Kaylee, crying almost too hard to talk, yelled for Captain to go away when he knocked at her door and she wouldn't let me in either.

Eventually Simon slunk back. "What did you do?!" I scream at him.

"Quiet, lil' girl." Captain says. Then; "Well, Doctor, it seems like you upset my mechanic. Care to explain?"

Simon didn't but he had no choice. "We were eating. I noticed some couples going upstairs and wondered why. Kaylee said they were - were -"

"Having a little sex for desert." Captain interrupts.

My stupid brother goes red in the face. "Well, yes. And I said that was disgusting then Kaylee burst into tears and runs out."

The Shepard covers his eyes with his hand. Captain seems to grow about a foot, sparks shooting out of his eyes he's so mad. "Guess things are different where you come from, Doc, but round here we don't call a decent girl names 'cause she's had herself a bit of fun in her time."

Simon looks all appalled, like it never even occurred to him Kaylee might take such a comment personally. Stupid Egg! Retarded Pig!! he starts stammering: "I didn't mean - of course Kaylee isn't - that is to say -"

"Get outta my sight." says Captain, and Simon does.

I've called him all the names I can think of and now I'm locked in my room screaming for him to go away whenever he knocks - which is about every twenty minutes. There he is again - Go die, you Baboon Fundament!

Mother, Daddy, would you mind VERY much if I killed your only son? He's really truly not worth the space.

I guess you probably would. Okay, I won't kill him. But I'm not speaking to him!

-----

Shepard Book is going to mail this for me.

We're all speaking to Simon again - even Kaylee. But only after he wrote her a formal letter of apology - explaining that he's worst boob in the whole 'verse - and gave her a box of chocolate covered strawberries. How can such a smart man be so dumb?

Love, River


	4. The Fourth Letter

Pieces...pieces...pieces. All scattered and mixed together. So hard to pick out which pieces are River. She wishes Mother and Daddy were here to help. They would know what was her and what wasn't.

She can't tell. She can't tell.

Simon does his best. He sticks her with needles to sew the pieces together. Simon wants to make her the way she used to be. She doesn't think he can. She doesn't think anybody can - ever. Not even Mother and Daddy...

--------

Blue. Color of treachery. Color of cruelty. Blue is EVIL!!!!!!!

Mother, Daddy, listen very carefully. You must do EXACTLY as I say. You must get the Blue before it gets you. Hunt it out. Tear it down. Rip it up. DESTROY IT! Then you will be safe - do you understand? Do this for me, please. You must STAY SAFE. Must. Must. Must. Must. Must. Must...

-----

Simon made me sleep again. He's always making me sleep. Mustn't sleep, mustn't! If you sleep They get you. They come when you sleep. I tell him and tell him but he doesn't understand. Thinks he can keep them away - he CAN'T!!!! He can't. I tell him and I tell him. He doesn't understand. He never understands. Why can't he understand?? Do you understand? Please Understand. Please.

----

Simon is such a dope. He took me into Their place. They nearly caught us. Two by Two, Hands of Blue. I heard the screams. I know what they mean. I know whose fault it is They came. But then he got us out. Why did he do that?

I don't understand. I never understand.

----

There were apples today. They tasted so good. Zoe told us about a time apples killed people. These didn't kill anybody. He didn't try to kill her with apples. Maybe he's sorry?

After the apples Kaylee and I had to be quiet and good because Inara had a client. She was very pretty, as pretty as Inara. He liked thinking of them together. I know why he went to his bunk. Now THAT'S disgusting.

Captain didn't get shot this time. This time he was tortured - Wash too - we all went in to get him out. Even Kaylee and me. Kaylee couldn't shoot her gun so I did. They were bad men. They were going to hurt us. I'm not sorry at all but I don't think I'll tell Simon. He might not understand. You understand - don't you?

----

He is so mean. Mean. Nasty. Crude. If he were sorry he'd be nicer. He'd be nice to Simon and the girl to make it up to them. He's not sorry. Doesn't think they know. Doesn't want them to know. Doesn't want ANYBODY to know.

She could tell. That would fix him. She could tell Zoe and Wash and Kaylee. But... Kaylee likes him. Doesn't think he'd do anything so mean. Kaylee would be very, very unhappy if she knew. Can't tell. Can't hurt Kaylee. The girl must think of another way to get even...

-----

He has such a dumb name. Jayne. A girl's name. He ain't no girl! Like I can't see that? Maybe his Mother and Daddy wanted a girl? I wouldn't blame him. Who'd want a dirty, ape man of a son?

Ape man is what Simon calls him. He doesn't mind that half as much as he minds being told he has a girl name so I tell him often.

Not good enough. Must think of something worse to do to him. Maybe if Simon helped?

----

We'll be on Santo tomorrow. That's shiny. Kaylee is going to take me to the water park. We'll have fun. Get wet all over. I must wash my hair. Don't want people to think I'm nasty dirty like HIM. I know where he's going! He's awful.

I will mail this myself tomorrow.

I know it's been a long time since I wrote. I haven't been so well - as I you can see - but I'm better now. Simon' s learned more about what They did. The new meds are working fine. I feel solider and my stomach stays where it belongs which is good.

Don't worry. Everything is going smooth here.

Love, River.


	5. The Fifth Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

Things aren't so good here. Oh we're not in any danger - at least no more than usual - but we're running out of money. We haven't had a paying job in three months and Captain's gnawing his fingernails - figuratively speaking of course.

I said he could have the coins I've got saved, (twenty platinum, forty-two gold and ninety-nine silver) but he smiled kind of sadly and said it hadn't come to that - yet. It's not that we haven't been doing things, lots of things, just nothing paying. I made a new friend, her name is Kiku, but she's on another boat so she's gone now.

Inara's still working and paying her rent but we can't run on just that. I've never had to worry about money before. I've been trying to think of things we could sell, Simon and I, to help out but all we've got worth anything is the infirmary equipment and my meds and we need those. Kaylee doesn't have anything she can spare either and I don't suppose Wash's dinosaurs would bring much. Jayne says his guns are needed equipment too, and I guess he's right. We do get into lots of trouble, shooting type trouble as well as others. I thought Jayne spent all his money on whores but Kaylee told me he sends a lot of it home to his family. That made him seem almost human. But he's still mean!

Captain and Zoe tell me not to worry my head but how can I not? If we lose Serenity we'll have nothing and nobody. Somehow, somewhere we've got to get some money!

------

WE GOT A JOB! And I found it for us!

We landed on Beaumond and Captain and Zoe went to see one of our usual contacts in hopes of finding work but we'd tried them six times before and nobody was very hopeful. Kaylee and the Shepard took me shopping on the dockfront and every store we went into I asked the manager if he or she needed any cargo shipped - and one said yes!

Seems the owner of the big souvenir shop on the corner has branches on Persephone, Santo and Whittier and he wants to ship a load of those little geisha dolls with wobbly heads to his other stores without paying the Merchant Tax. I know that's dishonest but who cares? We need the money more then the Alliance does!

So now we've got big crates piled up to the landing in the hold. Captain's smiling, even Zoe is smiling! The Ape-Who-Walks-With-Fundament-Forward says carrying dollies ain't manly so I told him Jayne isn't a manly name either, so there!

Mr. Rienstra paid me ninety credits commission for finding him a boat - none of which is going to be spent on meds! And there's steak and chocolate cake for dinner!! I'm so happy!!!!

------

We just pulled a big job, the biggest since Ariel. Or rather the others did. Simon and I had to hide in our quarters because we had a stranger aboard. Well, not quite a stranger.

Did I tell you about the time Captain got married? This slinky redhead we met on an away and gone moon claimed Captain'd married her but she was lying. She was a liar and a thief. I told them so but nobody listens to the crazy girl! Should have though. She tried to steal Serenity and nearly got us all killed.

Anyway she showed up again and Captain let her hire us for this job. We went to Bellerophon and stole a Lassiter from the collection of some billionaire. I saw it later, it's a laser gun - a very poor design - but Captain says it's worth a lot because it's so old and there's only a few of them left. Whatever.

Simon and I finally got back at Ape-man. I told him I could kill him with my brain and now he's scared of me. Good!

I was sitting in the kitchen - I could come out because the liar-thief was gone - and Captain walks in without a stitch on! I stared but he wasn't bothered at all. 'Hello, Lil' One' he says and goes right on by as if it were nothing. I guess standards of modesty are different out here. He looked good.

------

I've been thinking about Captain walking naked through Serenity like that. He's never done it before, neither have any of the others. We all wear clothes all the time, just like at home. But maybe it's not like home. Maybe clothes are optional? I'm going to find out.

------

Clothes are not optional.

I took off all of mine and went up the back stairs to the kitchen where everybody was assembled for lunch. Nobody was looking at me so I said hello. Then they looked.

The Shepard, who was cooking, dropped the big serving spoon.

Simon turned bright red - of course - but so did Captain and Wash.

Inara choked on something.

Zoe frowned - I mean more then usual.

Even Kaylee looked dismayed.

Their minds were chattering; 'Why she do this?' 'Gorram girl's crazy!' and the like. All but Jayne. Jayne was thinking 'She's beautiful.'

I looked at him. He wasn't red but his mouth was hanging open. I never saw a look like that on Jayne's face before. Then Simon and Kaylee hustled me out of the room, the one scolding and the other explaining.

Captain was naked that time because the liar-thief stole his clothes she said. It was a special circumstance. Then she turned on Simon and told him there was no cause to be all hysterical. It weren't like nobody'd seen a girl before! I appreciated that.

Jayne thinks I'm beautiful. Jayne thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm crazy and dangerous but I'm also the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

Why does that make me feel all warm inside?

-----

I don't think Jayne is beautiful. But then he never thought I was till he saw me naked. I need to see him naked before making up my mind. Fortunately that won't be hard to arrange.

I've never told you about the sanitary arrangements here have I? They're pretty dreadful. We each have a little washbasin and urinal in our rooms - the latter being hard for girl-folk to use. And two toilets; one in passenger country, one on the crew deck. There are no showers. We take sponge baths. There are two places to get hot water; the kitchen and the tap on the boiler in a space below the engine room. You can fill a bowl or bucket and sponge off in your room or you can do it right there in the boiler room. Jayne always does it in the boiler room - and not nearly often enough. All I have to do is be there the next time he bathes.

------

Jayne announced this morning that he had dibs on the boiler room. Inara led a round of applause. So I went down there right after breakfast and tucked myself into a triangular space between the boiler room wall and the engineering room floor.

Captain was all slim and sleek and smooth. Jayne is hairy and bulgy with muscle. He looks like that statue of Hercules the Palamas had in their rotunda. I felt all hot and sweaty and shivery looking at him. Captain's nudity didn't effect me like this! Oh my!!

As soon as Jayne'd gone I went down to my room and took a cold sponge bath but I'm still a little shaky. I remember my human sexuality class. I know why I feel like this! Oh no. Oh no. Not Jayne! Not JAYNE!

He's rude and crude and MEAN. You'd hate him. I hate him. And he hates me! So don't worry, I am not going to let a purely physical response lead me into doing anything STUPID!!

-------

Nothing ever goes smooth. None of our regular fences, (dealers in stolen merchandize I mean) will buy the Lassiter. It's too rare, too valuable, they wouldn't be able to resell it. Captain is ANNOYED.

We've got mail waiting on Hansen's Skyplex. Captain means to try some of the dealers there. I will mail this letter.

Simon and I are fine.

Don't worry.

Love, River


	6. The Sixth Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

Things have been downright weird around here the last few days. I'm crazy - but not too crazy to notice!

A dead man came aboard at Hansen's, (and no, we couldn't sell the Lassiter there either). He got out of his coffin and walked around for a while but he couldn't escape. Death came after him and Captain had to shoot him.

Kaylee cried, and Captain and Zoe too - but on the inside where nobody but me could see. They were his friends you see, and they held his hands while he died and then we took his body home to his Mother and Daddy.

It was all very sad and terrible but it could have been much, much worse. I didn't say that to the dead man's parents or to Kaylee because it wouldn't make them feel any better but I did say it to Captain when I found him brooding alone in the kitchen.

"Tracey was dead, there was no escape for him anywhere." I told him. "Best he die on Serenity with friends to hold his hands and take him home." And Captain understood - isn't that wonderful? He understood exactly what I was saying!

He nodded his head. "Yes - I see that, Little One." stood up and stretched. "Wish it hadn't had to be me - but better me then the folks he was running from."

That reminded me; I'm running too and if the Blue Hands should catch up with me - "Captain, shoot me too. Shoot me and hold my hand while I die. Don't let Them have me!"

He thought about that a long moment before nodding again. "Hope it don't come to that - but if it do you can trust me, Little Girl." and I know I can.

Please don't be upset, Mother and Daddy. I don't think it's going to end like that, really I don't. It's a just-in-case. But we must think of such things - even if we don't want to.

The 'Verse is a terrible place isn't it? I never knew it before all this happened to me - but its always been hasn't it? Did you know? Why didn't you tell me? But maybe you didn't know either. I remember how safe, how predictable, life used to be. Bad things just didn't happen - not to us. Not then.

Now I know ANYTHING can happen, to ANYBODY, ANYWHERE!! There is EVIL in the 'Verse. Real evil, and it's after us - you and me and Simon. But there's good too. Captain's good. And Zoe. And Kaylee. And Wash. And Inara. And Shepard Book is good too, now, despite the scary hair. And even Jayne is good - compared to the evil anyway.

And Simon, my dopey boob of a brother, is more than good. He gave up everything he ever wanted for me. He risked his life going into that place to get me out. He keeps me safe. Simon is a hero - did you know that? It's kind of hard to believe when he's stuffing his foot in his mouth talking to Kaylee or fussing, fussing over me. But he is. He really is. Isn't that amazing?

-----

We have a new job - and this time Simon and I are included. Simon's going to deliver a baby and I'm going to help. The client is a friend of Inara's who runs a whorehouse - which is NOT the same as a Companion house - out here. Seems the owner of this little moon is trying to steal that baby Simon and I are going to deliver. Yes, people do do things like that out here! Unbelievable isn't it?

----

The girl having the baby is named Petaline, and she's not much older than me. She works as a whore because her people lost their farm. It's not a bad life, she says, at least not at the Heart of Gold. Most of the customers are nice enough - and Miss Nandi sees they behave themselves under her roof, even Rance Burgess.

That's the man trying to steal her baby. He's probably the father. I explained to Petaline that that doesn't give him the legal right to take her baby from her, though he can file for joint custody if he can prove paternity. Petaline says around here the law is whatever Rance says it is. That's just not right.

Captain's got back from town. He wants everybody in the lobby soonest, Kaylee says.

----

Well THAT was a surprise. Seems this Rance Burgess is really bad and crazy. So bad even Captain was ready to run away, taking Nandi and her whores with us of course. But they won't go so we're all staying. Petaline's started labor - she's a little early. Simon says it's probably the stress.

Petaline's never had a baby before. She's scared. I wish Mother were here. She'd know what to say to her - none of us do. This is our fist time too - even Simon's.

-----

This is taking forever. But it is fascinating watching that tiny little orifice stretch and stretch...

Petaline's tired. She wants it to be over. But Simon says we've got a long way to go yet. He sent me next door to lie down, but I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to miss anything!

I can't wait to see who comes out of Petaline. He'll be a whole different person from her or this Rance Burgess. But who?

-----

I did fall asleep for a while. I just woke up. Crying was coming from next door. Of course I thought it was Petaline but it was so sad, so devastated, I was sure something terrible must have happened!

I looked inside and it wasn't Petaline at all, she was fine, she was asleep. It was Inara, all huddled on the floor, her heart broken and bleeding tears. I shouldn't have bothered her but I was scared - I had to know what had happened.

"Inara," I whisper. "Inara, what's wrong?"

She jumped, gave a little hiccup and started telling me nothing was wrong, nothing at all. She was just tired.

"I'm crazy, not stupid." I told her but Simon came in so she didn't have to answer me.

Petaline just woke up with a scream and things are happening so I can't write any more!

----

What a morning! Petaline had her baby, screaming and puffing and pushing while bullets flew outside. It was AMAZING! But of course you know that having had two babies yourselves.

He is Jonah and he was all purple and wrinkled. But no sooner was he out where we could all see him when suddenly Rance Burgess was right there in the room with us! Somebody let him in. He grabbed Jonah. We ran after him but he killed Nandi and got away. Captain chased him down and then Petaline shot him.

She had to. They would never have been safe, any of them, as long as he lived. It was his own fault. If he'd just been reasonable none of this would have happened.

We'll have Nandi's funeral this afternoon. Captain is so upset - now I know what Inara was crying about...Oh dear.

----

Simon likes Kaylee, but can't say two words to her without making her mad. Inara wants Captain and he wants her but they won't say so to each other or even to themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm the sane one and everybody else on Serenity - or maybe in the whole 'Verse - is crazy! But that seems statistically unlikely.

Of course, to be fair, Jayne and me aren't going anywhere either - but that's different. Jayne and me is a BAD idea. Anybody can see that. While Simon and Kaylee and Captain and Inara are good ideas. It could be so happy and cozy with everybody paired off, billing and cooing. But Jayne and me...

I had a long talk with Helen, that's the whore Jayne was bedding. She says he's good - real good, knows how to help a woman enjoy herself but doesn't like being kissed on the mouth. I told her why and she laughed and said he was smart too! She wasn't offended at all. She knows there are bad whores out there and a man's got to be careful.

I told her how Jayne made me feel and she said I could do worse for my first - but if I were interested in anything but a happy tumble maybe I should look elsewhere as he didn't strike her as the committing kind. Not that I needed to be told!

He's still mean. And scared to death of me to boot. No. Jayne is impossible. I'll have to find somebody else to pair off with. But who?

Wash and Captain are taken. Simon's my brother. Shepard Book's sworn to celibacy - and kind of scary on top of it. Maybe somebody else will come aboard. Or maybe I'll meet somebody planet-side. I'll keep looking,

Somebody who can cook would be good. A nice boy. Kaylee has brothers, maybe...

I'm giving this to Helen to mail. Some whores are good people - but I don't mean to become one so don't worry.

No Jayne. Definitely not.

Love You, River.


	7. The Seventh Letter

She must leave Serenity.

They don't want her. They're afraid of her. She doesn't know what she did but it must have been very, very bad. Kaylee is afraid of her. She hates Kaylee being afraid. She'd cry if she knew how.

She must go - but where? There's nothing outside of Serenity but the Black, far from anywhere. Too far to walk back to River's Mother and Daddy. They'd take her in wouldn't they, for River's sake? But she can't get to Mother and Daddy. Can't go home. Has no home. River could help her but she can't find River. Did she go home??

River is real. The girl is not, she doesn't exist outside Dr. Matthias' head. He made her. They made her. She's bad and dangerous like Them - that's why Captain doesn't want her onboard. Why Kaylee is afraid. Not even Simon will want her. Simon loves River not her.

She is going now. Going out into the Black. Then nobody will be afraid. Nobody will have to worry. It's better that way. Even Simon will see it is better. No more secrets, no more fears. Not for her either...

Good-bye.

--

Dear Mother and Daddy.

Oh God. I am crazy, really crazy. You won't believe what I nearly did - but I bet you can guess from the above.

I don't remember writing it - I don't remember anything after listening to them all talking in the galley. Not until five minutes ago when I found myself in the big lock just a millimeter away from pressing the red button for the outer doors. I snatched my hand back and ran all the way to my room where I found this letter.

What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Everybody's upset because Kaylee told them about me shooting those men. And there was a fuss earlier because I picked up a gun I found in the cargo bay. Now they're all afraid I'll shoot them too. But I wouldn't - I'd never do that!

But I'd never walk out into vacuum either, not in my right mind. Trouble is I'm NOT in my right mind! The last few days have been bad. Simon's meds aren't working so well anymore. I might do anything and we all know it.

No wonder the others are scared. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I can't leave Serenity I can't. But I don't want to die either. I wish I could melt, just melt away and become part of Serenity. Be with her and of her forever. Not a threat. Not a problem...

Everybody loves Serenity, if I was her they'd love me too. They wouldn't want to send me away.

I never know what is real anymore. Maybe this isn't. Maybe if I go to bed everything will be all right when I wake up. Maybe.

It's worth a try.

Good night.

--

It was real but everything's all right again anyway.

Last night somebody got aboard, a bounty hunter named Jubel Early. I don't know how he found us way out here but he did. He got in through the galley lock when everybody was asleep. He was after me - who else? But I knew he was there. I had a plan - and it worked almost perfectly. Simon got shot. That was NOT in the plan. It was his own fault. He was afraid I really meant to go with the bounty hunter - the dope - and did something stupid. Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound, he'll be fine in a week or two.

Of course I WAS very convincing. I had to be so Jubel would believe me. He did. He came outside to meet me and Captain threw him off Serenity into the Black just like we'd planned. Kaylee helped too, she was very scared but very brave. We're all proud of her.

We're all proud of me too. Nobody's afraid or wants me to leave anymore. Captain thinks maybe it's a good thing I can be dangerous. He thinks I might be of use. I'd like that. I'd like to get off Serenity sometimes and do jobs him and Zoe and Jayne.

Don't worry, I promise I won't get shot. Women are smarter, remember? Zoe says so.

--

It's been weeks and weeks but I haven't gone on a job yet. Neither has anybody else, we've been carrying cargo. I think crime will be fun. Out here on the rim it's all right to steal from them as can afford the loss. Captain says so and even Simon agrees. It's only logical.

He doesn't know I'm going on the next job. We're keeping it from him. He's bound to make a fuss once he knows, the Stupid Egg. It wasn't me who got shot!

Captain's real good at planning but not so strong on execution. That'll be my job, to see things go smooth. I'm the brains of the outfit - of course. I mean who's the genius around here?

Simon's started me on a new set of meds and I'm feeling much solider. It's not so crowded here anymore and things are clear and close instead of foggy and far away like they were. She hasn't been around lately either. Maybe she's gone for good?

That sounds mean, doesn't it? But it's not. She never wanted to be in the first place. She just wants to fade away or melt into me so we can be River all the time. I want that too. She's an awful nuisance - though it's not her fault. Nothing is her fault. She didn't ask Them to make her, that was my doing. I put us in Their hands - but I didn't know! How could I know?

You didn't know either - or Simon. None of us knew anything then. Now we all know too much. I learned so many awful things. I've managed to forget most of them but they're still there, seething, trying to make me remember. But I won't. I WON'T!

I wish Captain would find a crime for us to do. I need something to think about so I won't remember. I've tried mathematics and translations but I can't focus like I used to. You remember that saying; 'Imminent peril concentrates the mind wonderfully'? well it's true. I was really concentrated when I took care of Jubel Early. I used to be able to focus like that any time I wanted to. Now I can't. It's very annoying. But at least I know I still can if I have to.

--

She is reading River's letter. She is glad River is feeling better but she is still here. She doesn't want to be here. She wants to fade away. To be nothing forever and ever. Why can't she stop being?

Not her fault. Not her fault. Not her fault. Not her fault. Not her fault. Not her fault.

Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! Unfair!

--

She's back. She's so unhappy. I wish I could help her but River goes away when we're her so I can't. I've tried giving Simon messages for her but he gets all worked up and gives me shots to make me sleep.

River doesn't need to sleep - she does! If River stays awake then she has to sleep and we're both happy. Simon is such a boob. Why can't he understand such a simple equation? Sometimes I wonder if my brother is really as bright as we think he is.

--

This is not a very happy letter but I'm going to mail it anyway. Even bad news is better then no news at all, isn't it? Sometimes not knowing how you are, Mother and Daddy, or even if you're getting my letters makes me feel so frantic I could scream.

In fact I did once and scared Jayne half out of what wits he has. I laughed at him. That was before I started feeling all hot and funny about him. But Jayne's not so bad. Not compared to that Jubel Early! At least Jayne doesn't hurt people for fun. He'd rather kill them outright if he's got to. I know that doesn't sound admirable but believe me it is - comparatively speaking.

Jayne is dangerous. I'm dangerous. Maybe we are more compatible then I thought? Must consider seriously...

Please be all right, Mother. Please be all right, Daddy. You stay safe. I'll be careful and take care of Simon - the boob.

Try not to worry. I will too.

Love River.


	8. The Eighth Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

I have been thinking seriously about Jayne. We must be realistic, Mother and Daddy, I can't see how I'm ever going to be able to come home to live and if I did nobody there'd want a crazy, dangerous girl like me. Nor can I see any nice, decent boy out here - or his family - wanting me. Even if they did it wouldn't be fair. I'm trouble, big trouble. I have no right to bring that down on anybody.

Jayne isn't nice or decent, but then neither am I - not anymore. He's as much trouble as me and twice as dangerous. And he thinks I'm beautiful and makes me feel all hot and bothered. I honestly think, Mother and Daddy, that Jayne is the best I can expect to do. Ever.

I realize it could be the craziness talking, that maybe I'll think different when I'm solider, and I don't mean to do ANYTHING until I'm of age for it. To be fair to Jayne I don't think he'd take me before - he's decent in spots - and of course he's still scared of me. I'll have to do something about that....

All kinds of things could happen before I'm ready. Maybe Jayne and me will never be, but I wanted to tell you how I'm thinking so you can get used to the idea.

Jayne is rude, crude and barbaric but he loves his family and the women he's with have fun. I think he'd treat me right.

-----

We're in the midst of another slough - no jobs! - but I don't feel so scared this time. We've got credit enough saved to keep going for weeks and weeks more - plenty of time for something to turn up. In the meantime I've been researching crimes we could do in case nothing does. Captain says he won't kill for hire, and he won't steal from poor folks like ourselves but anything else is fair game. I think those are reasonable limitations, don't you?

The worlds and moons out here on the rim aren't like Osiris, they haven't got any proper law, but I'm not so crazy that I don't still know what's right from what's wrong so don't worry Mother and Daddy. Killing people - except in self defense or defense of Serenity - is wrong and stealing isn't exactly right, I know that, but conditional ethics apply: It's not bad to steal a loaf of bread from a baker if you're starving, and it's not so bad to take credits those who can afford the loss when you're desperate for them. You see?

I haven't forgotten everything you taught me, honestly I haven't, but I'm living a different life now from the one we had together and the rules have to be a little different if I'm to survive - you see?

-----

Sometimes I miss you so much, Mother and Daddy, that I can't stand it any more. Sometimes I want to run and run until I get home to you. To sleep in my own bed again with all my own things around me and you to take care of me - to be safe and secure like I used to be. Sometimes I'm so afraid that I'm never going to safe again, that Simon and I are going to spend the rest of our lives on the run and never, ever, see our Mother and Daddy and home again.

I shouldn't write like this to you, there's nothing you can do to help and I'll just make you feel bad, but I can't say it to Simon - he's got troubles and sadness enough of his own, and I've GOT to let it out to somebody!

It's not that its terrible out here. Serenity is a beautiful boat and the crew are all good and kind and take care of us like we're family. I've got Kaylee here to be my friend, and maybe Jayne to be my lover someday. Sometimes - often - I'm happy. I think if you were here with us, Mother and Daddy, I would be perfectly happy always. Maybe someday.... At least I can hope.

-----

We had an adventure yesterday. It was awful in spots but almost fun in others. We were captured by pirates - really truly, just like a vidcast! The awful part was they hit Simon and took Inara and me away from the others - I've told you about Inara haven't I? She's a companion, very beautiful and cultured, she gives me pretty things sometimes. They locked us up in a little cell and I was so scared! I can't lose Simon too, I can't. Nobody else knows how to take care of me. I know I complain about my meds all the time - sometimes they make me feel even sicker - but I'll go really truly mad forever without them, and him! Inara was wonderful, so calm and brave, how I wish I could have been like that - but I just went all to pieces.

We made a plan; sooner or later somebody would come and Inara would knock him or her out and we would run back to Serenity. Turned out though it was Simon who came, and he got hit again, this time by Inara. It was not a good day for Simon.

He had Shepherd Book and Margot with him and they went out with Inara and got us uniforms to disguise ourselves in and we marched through the halls like we belonged and right back onto Serenity! That was the fun part.

You want to hear something amazing? Jayne knows Shakespeare! He knows him by heart and recites him very, very well. After we escaped from the pirates we had to lie low and be quiet for a while and Jayne and Margot and I got to talking and that's when I found out.

That's promising, don't you think? If Jayne has a brain as well as a great body then maybe our relationship will work. He's not dumb at all, just uneducated, I can do something about that.

------

Oh GOD! Mother, Daddy, your son really IS too stupid to LIVE! I cannot BELIEVE how dumb he is!!!!

I told you how Inara gives me pretty things sometimes? Well she gives Kaylee presents too. Just now she gave us both beautiful new dresses. We were in her shuttle trying them on and Simon comes in all fussing as usual AND DOESN'T NOTICE!!!!

He didn't even LOOK at poor Kaylee!!!!!

God, I can't stand it.

-----

Margot says I should be patient with Simon. He's a nervous virgin who's never been in love before - of course he doesn't know what to do. I'm not convinced. I'm virgin and you don't see me accidently offending Jayne right, left and center! I mean, sure I've insulted him - but I meant to!

I guess it's all part of women being smarter.

Speaking of Jayne we had a good talk and cleared the air some. I don't hate him for trying to turn me in (don't worry, he won't do it again) and he isn't scared of me anymore. Now I've got to work on getting more stable. As I am I'm no good to Jayne or any man.

Margot may be able to help. She says she was somewhat crazed herself once and knows how it feels - and what to do about it.

-----

I feel boyant, bouncy and floaty like a party balloon. We've all got plenty of credits, I'm friends with Jayne and best of all I'M GETTING BETTER!!! Margot gave me a magic spell to make good feelings drive out the bad and it WORKS!

When I get control of my mind I'll have control of my life again and once that happens I'll be able to do ANYTHING! I am a genius after all. It hasn't done me much good up to now but it will. I'll get those Blue Suns! AND Dr. Matthias AND everybody else who hurt me. And then finally, finally Simon and I will be able to go home.

Wait for us. It won't be long now.

River


	9. The Ninenth Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

Nothing ever goes smooth - that should be our motto!

We did really well out of being captured by pirates, paid off more than some of our jobs! We got fuel and food (mostly protein unfortunately!) and spare parts and four laser cannon. Jayne wanted to keep them but Captain said no he was going to sell them. Well guess what - somebody came along and stole our cannon just as he was about to seal the deal!! Typical, just typical. I think the 'verse has got it in for Captain I really do.

Anyway our crew has teamed up with the crew that wanted to buy the cannon and they've all gone off to steal them back.

----

They're home - and things are still going wrong. They couldn't get near the dome because it was jumping with men and guns. I was playing Mah-Jong in the galley with Margot when they got back. She said she knew the Captain of the other boat. He sure knew her - but called her by a different name.

----

It's getting worse. Inara just came back from her party bringing some friends, one badly wounded. Turns out they belong to the other crew - the one with the captain who knows Margot - and their boss has been kidnapped along with a number of locals. Looks like we're going to have to do something about it.

----

Everybody's gone, back to the Ser-Toh's dome to get our guns and the other crew's boss and the rest of the kidnapped people, and it looks like we're going to get paid for it too! Maybe things aren't so bad as they seem....

----

WE'RE RICH!!!!

I take it all back, everything went smooth as silk - for a change - and now we're swimming in credits! It's so exciting. We've never been this rich since Simon and I came aboard, or even before according to Kaylee. Lord above knows what we're going to spend it all on as we already got all we need in the way of supplies and parts, etc. but we'll think of something!

It doesn't matter anymore that we STILL can't find a buyer for the Lassiter, but Margot may be able to help us there. I didn't tell you about her did I? She's our new passenger. We picked her up on Comanchero and are taking her to Athens where she's a fellow at the Athenaeum.

One of her degrees is in abnormal psychology. She's been a huge help to me - have you noticed how much more coherent I am? I told you about the magic didn't I? Really it's a cognitive tool to help me control my bad feelings instead of letting them control me. But it works like magic!

Everything is looking up. We've got money and I'm so much better - only Jayne isn't as friendly anymore. But that's good too, it means he wants me - but I'm too young so he's unhappy about it. I'm going to give him some distance, it isn't fair to tease, but I'm sure of him now. It's just a matter of time. I turn eighteen in seven months - then I'll seduce him. I think that will be fun.

----

The sad thing about living on a boat is you're always saying good-bye. Some planetfalls we have hardly anything to do with the locals, others we make friends who we have to leave. The good thing about friends living on other boats, like the Aces and Eight crew or Kiku and her family on Hotaru, is there's a good chance of running into them again in some other port.

Good-bye Muir! You've been lucky for us.

-----

Margot taught me a dance today. Jayne watched us from the walkway and got all hot and purple, just like the time he saw Inara with that pretty customer. I couldn't understand why, I mean it wasn't that kind of dance. It was very restrained, a lot of quick hand and arm movements and fluttering of fans and slow changes of posture. Not inflaming - or so I thought. Margot says most of sex happens between the ears, not between the legs and there are lots subtler ways to excite a man than wiggling your hips or secondary sex characteristics. Must remember that.

----

Inara is really leaving. I heard her tell Captain she meant to but I hoped she'd change her mind. She didn't. We've made a fuel stop on a fancy resort skyplex where she can find plenty of clients and she's going to stay. Everybody's upset. Especially Captain, though he doesn't want anybody to know it, but we all do.

Kaylee and Zoe and Margot and I decided to cheer ourselves up with a shopping spree - as we've got all this credit needing to be spent! We bought ourselves some beautiful clothes, latest Core fashions. Then we went to a spa and got the works; facials, manicures, pedicures, hair stylings and face dos the whole five parsecs. We were gorgeous! I'm enclosing a capture of us in our full glory: That's Kaylee next to me, Zoe sitting on the chair and Margot standing between.

I can't believe how grown up I look, and so BEAUTIFUL! Jayne couldn't tear his eyes away. Simon was speechless - the boob. And Captain was mean. Said he didn't want his crew looking like whores. He apologized, it was the shock he said, he's not used to seeing his girls got up as beautiful sophisticated women and it made him stupid - so we forgive him. Truth is he's sad and mad about Inara going and so not altogether responsible for what comes out of his mouth. I wouldn't have been angry with him at all if he hadn't made Kaylee cry.

She's been sad since Muir. I'm sure it's Simon's fault but he's been real nice to her lately - hasn't insulted her once. I KNOW he's done something - but what?

----

Looks like our luck has run out. Inara's in trouble and we've got to rescue her - but how?

----

INARA'S HOME! Maybe our luck hasn't run out after all!!

What happened was this; the Ser-Toh who runs this Skyplex decided Inara was going to be his personal property. It was Margot who came up with the plan for getting her (Inara) back and maybe that's why it worked so smooth. She dressed herself up as a Companion and she seduced the Ser-toh so the others could grab Inara while his attention was off her.

I was afraid we'd have to rescue Margot next but she came home the morning after, having spent a very pleasant night with the Ser-Toh. She says he isn't as bad as he seemed, just didn't understand about Companions. But now he does and he sent Inara her fee AND a chest full of gifts as an apology. But Inara's decided not to stay on Xanadu after all - Hurray!

---

I think Margot may be the most interesting person I've ever met. Certainly the most complex. You see she's lots of different people: On Muir she became The Duchess to help our crew and the Aces and Eights' get those people back. And here on Xanadu she turned herself into Shinjumi, a Companion of the Geiko school, to rescue Inara. Its a real change too, not just clothes and manner but right down to the colors of her mind - yet she stays Margot under it.

If I could do that... if I could be the girl but still be River - why I'd have no problem at all! Margot says that's exactly what I have to do, the disassociation is sapping my strength and increasing my confusion. Trouble is the girl has all kinds of memories that I don't want. But I'm going to have to accept them - and her - because they are not going to go away. But I can't face them, not yet. I'm just going to work on getting stronger and more stable as River for now. The girl will have to wait.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know she's suffering, I suffer too when we're her. But we've got to build up River first or the bad stuff the girl is carrying will swamp us both. I think she understands. I think she'll be patient.

Things are going so well here I'm almost scared. Sooner or later the other boot is going to drop, Captain says, but in the meantime we should relax and enjoy it.

I think he's right.

I hope things are going as well for you. Remember what I said about being careful and not calling attention to yourselves. Don't worry about Simon and me and I'll try not to worry about you.

Love, River.


	10. The Tenth Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

Well we finally made it to Athens, and what a trip it's been! But at least we made a profit. Captain's looking to buy a cargo here, something we can peddle to the outer worlds. Margot's left, but not for good. She's going to help us find a buyer for the Lassiter so we'll be hearing from her.

In the meantime Simon and I have to be careful and stay in Serenity because Athens is an Alliance world, practically a Core planet even if it is out on the rim. Which is a pity because I'd love to see the Athenaeum museum and library. Oh well, at least I can access the cortex site. Margot gave me her passwords.

Margot's contracted Companion came to collect her and Wow - just Wow! He didn't give me the hot, shivery feeling Jayne does but he sure did make me feel like a girl! Kaylee too. And Zoe wasn't immune either!

-----

Something awful has happened.

We've lost Serenity - and I've lost Simon!

Oh, Mother and Daddy I'm so scared, so scared. What if we can't find them? What if we can never go home? What will happen to me without Simon, AND WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM???????

I mustn't panic, mustn't panic... Simon is a skilled surgeon, he's very valuable. Niska has no reason to hurt him and every reason to take good care of him until he finds a buyer. Yes, I said buyer. They SELL people out here!!!!

He could end up ANYWHERE.

I must stay calm. I must stay calm or I won't be any help at all.

But Captain and Zoe are gone too and Niska does want to hurt them! Oh God.

Calm, be calm.

It happened like this. Margot had left for home. Inara'd taken her shuttle to meet a client, dropping Shepherd Book off at a retreat house of his order on her way. And Wash, Kaylee and Jayne had gone out together to buy real food.

I was in my room playing with Simon's sourcebox (1) and I know he was in the infirmary - I mean he practically lives there! I think Captain and Zoe were upstairs in the galley doing the book-keeping but I'm not sure.

I felt them come aboard. It was awful. Cold, creepy, EVIL little minds. I hid. But they weren't after me, they were after Captain!

I didn't know they were from Niska until I overheard them talking - after they'd knocked the others out and locked them up in the small bunk nobody uses. Niska is a horrible, evil man Captain crossed a time back. It was his men I shot a couple of letters ago, and now he's caught up with us again!

I had to keep the others from walking into a trap so I wriggled out an intake vent and started towards the food market to find them - then Serenity took off behind me! Just took off and vanished into the blue! I never thought they'd fly away without the rest of us!

Luckily Jayne and the others were right there, on their way back, or I don't know what I'd have done. Wash and Kaylee were as panicky as me but Jayne knew what to do. He hustled us into a bar to get us off the street and used Simon's sourcebox - which I'd hung on to - to message Margot. I made him give it right back. Holding something of Simon's made me feel like I was still connected to him. Like nothing could happen to him without me knowing...

We're at Margot's house now, and she and her partner D'Jango are planning to go after Serenity just as soon as they locate her. We're assuming Simon and the others will still be in her, or at least nearby. How I hope that's true!

----

Merciful God, I thank you from my heart.

Simon is safe. Captain and Zoe are safe. We got them back, Niska never touched them. But we still don't have Serenity!

This is a problem.

Niska knows we'll come for her. He must be counting on it and preparing a trap. We have to plan very, very carefully. Now that I have Simon back I can think clearly again. This is good because I'm the brains around here. Captain's a clever tactician but he's got the most awful luck. This job MUST go smooth!

If it doesn't - and judging by past experience it won't - we've got Jayne. He is AMAZING in a fight. I haven't had a chance to see it with my own eyes but both Kaylee and Simon say so - and I've seen through theirs that it is true. And we'll have Margot's partner, D'Jango, who is SCARY!!!

It's not that I think he'll hurt me, I know he won't. He's not dangerous to people like us. He's not a bad man, but he is scary. Like Shepherd Book, who would never hurt me either but still frightens me a little. All that raw power seething and minds full of awful memories....

Some of us want to be sure and kill Niska as well as get Serenity back. Others don't like that idea at all - including Simon - and I see their point. Deliberately setting out to kill somebody isn't like shooting them in a fight. It's premeditated murder. Not just against the law but immoral.

On the other hand:

Niska is our declared enemy. This is the second time he's come after us and we just escaped by the skins of our teeth. Leave him alive and he'll come after us again and again until he kills us. It is self-defense - of a kind.

It's a moral dilemma, Mother and Daddy. I know which side Simon will come down on, he's a doctor he's sworn to 'do no harm'. He's given up everything else for me, I won't have him give up who and what he is as well. It's different for me, I haven't taken any oaths.

I'm going to have a gun, because Captain won't have anybody on his crew going into Niska's skyplex without somewhat to defend themselves. The way we've got it planned I should never have to use it. But if I get the chance I will shoot Niska.

I have to, Mother and Daddy, for Simon and Serenity. I'm not happy about it. It makes me a little sick to even think about it. I know I killed those men but I wasn't me then, I was the girl. She's a killer. But it's not her fault, Dr. Matthias made her one. She is not morally responsible for her actions.

I am.

Niska would have sold Simon and I'd never have seen my brother again. He'd have tortured Captain and Zoe to death. He's sold and tortured hundreds of thousands of others and the law can't touch him. He needs killing.

I just hope it isn't me who pulls the trigger.

----

It's done. We have Serenity back and we're all safe. Well, safer.

Niska's dead. I didn't have to do it. Neither did Captain or Margot, who wanted to. Or Jayne or D'Jango, who'd have considered it a day's work. You might say he killed himself. I'll spare you the hideous details but it was VERY karmic.

We've one less problem and that's all to the good, as Captain says. Pity there are so many more left....

----

You didn't do what I told you, Mother and Daddy. You didn't lie low and not make trouble.

I AM SO PROUD!!!

Thank you! Thank you for saving my friends and the other kids too. Now I don't have to feel guilty about being free and safe while they suffer. The academy thrived in darkness, it could not live when exposed to the light. And I hope something really nasty happens to Dr. Matthias. I think it will, he's an embarrassment to Them now.

I should have known you'd be too smart for Them. Where did Simon and I get our brains from after all? I'm not going to worry about you any more - well, not as much - now that I know how clever and cunning you are.

And careful. Continue to be careful, please.

Margot is going to make sure you get this letter, and send your answer back. I am so excited! I can't wait to hear from you - Simon too.

All the love in the 'Verse - River.

---

Dear Mother and Dad,

I'm sorry we didn't understand each other better. I see now that I was as much at fault as you were. Interpersonal communication is not one of my skills - as you well know. I should have been more patient, tried to see you point of view. My fears must have seemed hysterical and irrational - and I was very wrong to think you didn't care what was happening to River. I'm sorry.

I am very, very proud of you both for closing that place down. And very relieved that you are safe. River's mental condition has improved immensely over these last weeks - as I'm sure you can tell from her letters.

I agree with her that we have fallen into good hands. We are as safe as we can hope to be in this crazy 'Verse. I know that life will never be the same for any of us. I doubt River and I will ever be able to go home, but I hope very much that we will someday see you both again.

Until that time - all my love, Simon.

---

Notes:

1. The 'Verse's version of a laptop.


	11. The Eleventh Letter

Dear Mother and Daddy,

I guess you're right. There's really no point in indulging in post-mortems and fault finding. And yes, we all do have plenty to be sorry for. Thank you for forgiving me and I forgive you, and so does Simon, so we're all sorted out now. Let's get on with our lives. Unfortunately that's not going to be easy, either for you two where you are or Simon and me here.

It was very clever of you to go to Senator Hampton with the evidence my friends gave you - lucky you had his niece in your class, Mother - not even Blue Sun will dare touch you under H/E protection.(1) But I guess that means you can't go home either... maybe we can make a new home somewhere together? You and the orphans from the academy and me and Simon and the rest of the crew. Of course we live on Serenity, but it would be nice to have a home port.

I'll keep my eyes open for a good place but I'm not likely to find one soon. Captain is very carefully avoiding ALL the pleasant worlds out here because Inara is still planning on leaving us. I hoped she'd changed her mind for good after Xanadu but no.

I don't see why she's so set on going, seeing as the very thought all but rips her heart out of her chest, or maybe I do. Companions aren't supposed to form attachments, not even ones like Kaylee and me, and definitely not ones like Captain! She can't stop being a companion, it would be like Simon giving up being a doctor. But Captain can't stop being who he is either and never the twain shall meet - what a tangle!

And I thought I had a complicated life. At least who I love and who I hate is all nice and clear.

----

It's all gone crash.

They found us. They almost got us.

The girl lies crushed and bleeding.

Hands of Blue are dead but their evil lives.

It lives in her. She cannot escape.

The magic doesn't work anymore. She cannot make it work.

River was happy. River was escaping. Now she is broken. Her blood leaks from a million holes.

River is dying.

The girl is getting stronger. She doesn't want that! She wants to die so River can live.

Don't die, River! Don't die!

Don't leave the girl alone with the Blue.

Please, River. Please.

Help us.

Somebody help us.

-------

Oh Mother and Daddy, It's all undone. I was doing so well and now it's all undone. She's crying so and she can't stop. We came so close, so close.

They died. I felt them die. But first they got into my head. The anesthetic didn't work. I was awake. I felt them. They're here in my head. They're dead but they're here.

Oh God.

Oh God.

WHY?

----

Serenity is going to pieces.

People are leaving. Inara went, and now the Shepherd. Captain's turned mean which makes everybody sharp and edgy. Even Kaylee's gone all yellow. And Jayne keeps yelling at me.

The girl is going to pieces too. Little bits of River are scattered everywhere. She's too tired to pull them together.

Simon is looking for new meds, the boob. It's not meds she needs it's the magic. She's got to get it back - but how?

----

Something's coming. No - somebody. Somebody who makes the Hands of Blue look like little fluffy bunnies as Captain would say.

He's coming for me.

I've got to leave. I can't let Serenity be hurt anymore. I can't let anything happen to Kaylee or Jayne or Captain or Zoe or Wash.

Somehow I have to make Simon take me away. And then I must leave him too.

It's all right. The somebody doesn't want to take me back, he wants to kill me. That's fine. I'm tired. I don't care anymore.

Just don't let anybody else be hurt.

----

Dear Mother and Daddy,

This will be my last letter. I won't be coming home. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I brought this on us all. Oh yes I did, by insisting on going to that school. I'm sorry. She's sorry too. She wants not to be - and now so do I.

It's the only solution.

It's all too much, Mother and Daddy. The craziness, the hunters, the FEAR. I just can't take any more. I thought I could find a way out - but there's only one.

Soon it will be over. She and I will finally have rest. Try not to cry. It's okay, really it is.

I'll do my best to make Simon go home to you. I like to think of you all together again. You'll be safe without me.

I hope.

Forget me. Pretend I never existed. Sometimes I think I don't - but if I do I won't for much longer.

I was a mistake. Forget me.

Be happy.

Love River.

-----

Dear Mother and Daddy,

Disregard all of above.

I'm all right. Not perfect, I'll never be perfect again, but all right. I'm like that restored Ming vase we kept in the foyer alcove. If you look close you can see the fractures but it holds water for the flowers. Like the vase I'm holding together. There's no girl anymore. Just me - River - but not the River I was.

Margot told me I was spending too much of my energy suppressing things. Its all out now and I'm much stronger, strong enough to master my own mind. But I don't blame me for working so hard on NOT remembering. You see what I was suppressing was Miranda. You must have seen the cast, Captain made sure of that. Yes, that was us.

Oh, Mother and Daddy, it makes me sick to think about it. Not just all those poor, innocent people dying in their tracks - at least they didn't suffer. But what about the Reavers? They were regular people, Mother and Daddy, with homes and families and people they loved and then the Pax turned them into something worse than beasts full of pain and hate - awful, horrible, EVIL! We can't let Them get away with this, Mother and Daddy, we just can't.

The whole 'Verse is in turmoil and so are we. I'd think I was crazed again being so happy and sad at the same time if it weren't that everybody else on Serenity feels just the same. First and worst of the sad things is we lost Wash. Zoe is heartbroken and the rest of us feel all empty and aching too. And Shepherd Book is dead, along with everybody else on Haven and most of our friends and contacts everywhere - but it's not our fault.

Captain was very firm and clear on that. It's not my fault and it's not his. It's the fault of them that did it and them that ordered it. I see that he's right but I still feel guilty. He says he does too, because folk ain't logical. So true!

Things we've got to be happy about: Inara's come home to stay. She and Captain are dancing around each other like a pair of courting birds but I know how it's going to end! Simon and Kaylee have finally had sex, in fact they can't keep their hands off each other! They're so happy the rest of us have to be too - even Zoe, just a little.

And I've got my own reasons for being happy. Jayne is looking at me in a whole new way. Things happened, things that would put off most men but not him. I'm a dangerous woman, Mother and Daddy, and Jayne LIKES that! I'll be eighteen soon and then I'll make my move.

We talked: 'I wasn't gonna turn you in,' Jayne said. 'Just get you off the boat.'

I nodded to show I understood. 'I'm not your sister, and I'm not crew (not then - I am now). Nor helpless either.' That's what he'd said when they were all arguing about me.

It was his turn to nod. 'And I was mad over what you done to me at the Maidenhead.' That's a bar. I won't tell you what I did - it was awful - and I certainly don't blame Jayne for being mad at me over it! But we've made up. We're friends now - and someday soon to be something more.

Simon and I are both crew now. I'm pilot since Wash is dead. Dead but not gone. I feel his presence in the control room, especially around his chair. Zoe says he's in their quarters too. She figures some of his spirit will always be with us. That makes me feel better - her too.

Shepherd Book is still with us too. I hear his voice sometimes in the common room or down in passenger country. He's happy I'm better and so proud of Captain! I'd like to tell him so but Shepherd says he (Captain) wouldn't believe me and I know he's right.

Remember once I wrote how I wished I could be of Serenity and part of Serenity forever and ever? I think that's what's happened to Wash and Shepherd Book. I wonder if it will happen to all of us when our time comes? I hope so. It would be lovely.

Right now we're on our way to Athens to see Margot. Captain figures she can put us back in touch with the kind of people like to give us work. Could you meet us there? Please??

Don't come if it would be dangerous for you but if you can do! I'm fit to be seen now that I'm me again, and I want you to meet Jayne. Try to keep open minds, I swear he's not as mean as he looks!

Hoping that this really will be my last letter -

Love River.

----

Note:

1. H/E Hampton Enterprises, another supercorporation and rival of Blue Sun.


End file.
